Dr Dave may be a bit over forty these days, but this was lurking and I’ve decided that the world is now ready. If you want to understand the true meaning of this poem you’ll need to ask Dave what he did with hamsters at University.

Grandmaster Fluffy

A Poem for Dave’s Fortieth Birthday, by Simon and Faye.

Dave Regis taught a hamster to play the game of chess
Hamsters are good at studying but oft this is repressed
By his rate of progress the others were impressed
‘Til he won an Interzonal in the town of Brest

Fluffy had good “Self Image”, and rarely got depressed
But the constant pressure began to make him stressed
He started on the drinking and other drugs to excess
And when boozing on the gin, female hamsters he’d molest

Fluffy’s game did suffer, his moves were oft finessed
His winnings fell away till his cage was repossessed

Homeless and alone, Fluffy planned to rob NatWest
But hamsters are not threatening, the teller was unimpressed
The security guard placed Fluffy under citizen’s arrest
When questioned by the police, our rodent he confessed

The judge, a sober fellow, had his mental state assessed
Fifteen years hard labour, of her majesty a guest
On his return to civvy street, he’d lost his youthful zest
Though old and weak, he still played a wicked game of chess
And found contentment in his occasional success

The moral of our tale is easy to assess
When you’re no longer able to indulge in youthful excess
And only memories remain of victories and conquests
You will find contentment if you’ve learnt the rules of chess